Creating Space: Responding not Reacting

"I am not what has happened to me.  I am what I choose to become."  -Carl Jung

  I'm fortunate enough to go to school on a campus that is home to the second tallest (damn you, Moscow) university building in the world.  Today, filling a gap between work and classes, I decided to venture one of the uppermost floors to do a bit of reading and, quite honestly, take a nap. I spent a lot of time, with heavy eyelids, staring out the window, looking at the chaos of a campus in a city. I realized that the chaos looked quite peaceful.  The tops of trees swayed in the breeze, cars followed a pattern that resembled a dance, and people lived their lives, walking to campus, one foot in front of the other.

The emotions from being directly in the action, from dealing with the people bustling around me, the noise, the cars flying past, the stress, the constant motion, were not present.   Removed from the situation, I was able to see the world from a different perspective.

I'm not advocating that we hole up in the top of a 40 story building away from the world, and I'm not saying that detaching ourselves from stress and emotions is a good thing.

Instead, we need to create a space to feel emotions.  We need to take a step back from the situation that is causing what we perceive to be negative emotions and take inventory of how we feel, why we feel, and lastly, how we react.  

We all have a choice with every action we take.  Sometimes it feels like we don't.  When we blow up on a loved one when facing a deadline, when we drink too much after a break up, when we eat junk food and zone out in front of the tv to unwind, these are all choices that sometimes make us feel powerless.

I've been trying to avoid mindless reactions to emotions.  One way to do that is to be present and aware of the situation, the emotions, and the reactions, but it's often easier said than done.

ACT INSTEAD OF REACT: WAYS TO CREATE SPACE

-  Breathe.  Taking a few deep breaths to realize that we are alive and able to make choices can slow down the situation.

- Pause.  Take a few minutes, or as long as you need, to do nothing.  Doing nothing is often seen as inaction, but really, it's a conscious choice.  Let time pass.  Do you still feel the same way?

- Know yourself.   What does stress look like to you?  What does sadness look like?  Pain?  Frustration? Anger?  What causes these negative emotions in you?  What do you do when you feel these emotions?
- Be aware.  Recognize situations that cause you negative emotions.  Recognize when you react emotionally.
- Feel emotions.  Give yourself permission to feel your emotions.  Acknowledge that you feel badly or you're upset.  Don't try to numb emotions or justify the source of them.  

- Practice self-compassion.  Don't blame yourself for feeling badly.  Don't tell yourself to "suck it up."  Again, give yourself permission to feel emotions, no questions asked.  

- Let it go.  Give yourself time and space to feel emotions, but don't dwell.
- See the bigger picture.  Recognize that these emotions will pass.  Your actions often do not simply pass, but they cause a ripple effect.
- Practice compassion.  Realize that other people's actions are often fueled by negative emotions.  Don't justify bad behavior, but realize that you are not the source.  The person didn't yell at you in traffic because of you.  People are reacting to their own emotions of stress, guilt, sadness, unhappiness, and frustration.  Don't feel guilt or deserving of bad treatment and reactions from others.
- Respond.  Make a decision to act.  Be aware of coping versus numbing.  Think of your action's consequences.  Are your actions reflective of who you are?  Who you want to be?